I hate flip-flops. It is the most irritating footwear ever created. Who the hell designed these things? Someone explain how a foot-shaped length piece of foam or plastic with two strap things constitutes footwear. Please take note of the word footwear. It implies that it’s an object that is worn on the foot. Flip-flops don’t do this. There’s a fine balancing act where the wearer has to try to walk carefully so they don’t fly off and with their light construction and aerodynamic design, they carry on the air for at least twenty yards once they’re airborne. The only safe way to wear them is to walk flat-footed and ball your toes up. Mmm, isn’t that comfy.

The annoyance doesn’t just end there. There’s the slapping sound every flip-flopper makes when walking. Flap-flap, flap-flap. Here comes another fashion victim doing their best to convince themselves that a flip-flop is easy to wear, comfortable and great looking. These poor deluded fools.

The flip-flop does have one potential application that no one has explored. Forget three strikes for felons, those leg bracelets for stay at home inmates, and sex offenders’ lists. Force these people to wear flip-flops. Can you imagine a bank robber trying to hotfoot it in flip-flops? He’ll be down on his face before you can say “stick up.” And what stalker can creep up on an unsuspecting person without the telltale flap-flap. The flip-flop has yet to work for society. This is where it can make a start.