Simon Wood

SHELF LIFE: The Uxbridge English Dictionary

I’m a huge fan of the long running, comedy radio show I’M SORRY I HAVEN’T A CLUE.  For those who’ve never heard of it, think WHOSE LINE IS ANYWAY, except I’M SORRY started twenty years before WHOSE LINE…but I digress.  My favorite round in the show is the UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIONARY where contestants offer new definitions to preexisting words.  The ‘definitions’ are usually puns, plays on words or the literal phonetic misinterpretation of words.  I always find them gigglicious as it’s the perfect mix of silly and clever.  The English language is always open to interpretation or misinterpretation…

The printed version of the UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIONARY is in its 18th edition and I have a few of my own definitions I’d hope to get accepted in the 19th edition.  Here they are and remember they work best when you say these words aloud.  Enjoy!
Dandelion – A foppish cat.
Optimist – A fog that makes you feel really positive about things.
Colony – Kind of like a colon.
Scatological – Somebody who has shit for brains.
Allegory – Kind of like Al Gore.
Metronome – A gnome about town.
Disorient – To disparage Asia.
Bigotry – A tree that stands taller than the ones around it.
Physicist – An effervescent boil.
Defibrillator – A lie detector.
Comatose – That feeling you get when your foot goes to sleep.
Extreme – A creek stripped of its classification.
Rheumatologist – An expert at spreading gossip.
Palpate – A friend’s head.
Buoyant – A male insect.
Aspen – A rectal writing implement.
Speculation – To ruminate as to whether one needs eye glasses or not.

Carpet – A dog in an automobile.
Carrot – A rusty automobile (think about this one).

4 Responses to “SHELF LIFE: The Uxbridge English Dictionary”

  1. Simon Wood

    A few additions…

    Mutilation– A silent state of great joy or pride.
    Maltese – A flirtatious shopping center.
    Collage – Art school.
    Questionnaire – Someone who contests a will.


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