Simon Wood

Posts Tagged: uxbridge English dictionary

I’m a huge fan of the long running, comedy radio show I’M SORRY I HAVEN’T A CLUE.  For those who’ve never heard of it, think WHOSE LINE IS ANYWAY, except I’M SORRY started twenty years before WHOSE LINE…but I digress.  My favorite round in the show is the UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIONARY where contestants offer new definitions to preexisting words.  The ‘definitions’ are usually puns, plays on words or the literal phonetic misinterpretation of words.  I always find them gigglicious as it’s the perfect mix of silly and clever.  The English language is always open to interpretation or misinterpretation…

The printed version of the UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIONARY is in its 18th edition and I have a few of my own definitions I’d hope to get accepted in the 19th edition.  Here they are and remember they work best when you say these words aloud.  Enjoy!
Dandelion – A foppish cat.
Optimist – A fog that makes you feel really positive about things.
Colony – Kind of like a colon.
Scatological – Somebody who has shit for brains.
Allegory – Kind of like Al Gore.
Metronome – A gnome about town.
Disorient – To disparage Asia.
Bigotry – A tree that stands taller than the ones around it.
Physicist – An effervescent boil.
Defibrillator – A lie detector.
Comatose – That feeling you get when your foot goes to sleep.
Extreme – A creek stripped of its classification.
Rheumatologist – An expert at spreading gossip.
Palpate – A friend’s head.
Buoyant – A male insect.
Aspen – A rectal writing implement.
Speculation – To ruminate as to whether one needs eye glasses or not.

Carpet – A dog in an automobile.
Carrot – A rusty automobile (think about this one).

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It’s time for some more homophones! If you don’t now what homophone is, it’s a word that is pronounced the same way as another word with a different meaning, such carat and carrot. What I’m doing isn’t quite like that but similar. It’s inspired by the long running, comedy radio show I’M SORRY I HAVEN’T A CLUE and its UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIONARY. A few months ago I listed a bunch of new and improved definitions to existing words (you can find them here) and I’m back with a new crop of meanings and punnery. Enjoy!

Wherewithal – A very versatile item of clothing.

Urology – The study of female sheep.

Antidote – To detest someone.

Cloves – What cockneys wear.

Boulangerie – Bread based sexy French underwear and night attire.

Stagflation – An inflatable deer.

Maltese – A flirtatious shopping center.

Dreadnought – Someone with a zero phobia.

Discern (1) – To slag off the Large Hadron Collider.

Discern (2) – To no longer receive a salary.

Mutilation – A silent state of great joy or pride.

Undercurrent – A raisin capable of stepping in for another at short notice.

Pleasantry – A good looking tree.

Epilogue – Fitful lumber.

Aspic – Something you do when you have an itchy bottom.

Vanish – Rather like a van.

Palish – Kind of like a friend.

Lavish – Kind of like a toilet.

Gloat – A phosphorescent yacht.

Questionnaire – Someone who contests a will.

‘Imposing – A male model.

Collage – Art school.

Categories: shelf life

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