Simon Wood

Hump Day: Short And Sweet

Screw big and tall stores!

There I said it. Yeah, I’m heightest and circumferentially biased. So sue me. I have good reason.

The reason I’m anti-big and tall is that no one does little guy clothes. Everyone assumes you can wander over to the “mommy’s little soldier” department and pick up something petit there. Well, I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me. Do you think I actually want to wear “Finding Nemo” and “Spiderman 2” tee shirts? Actually, I do, but that’s not the point. Getting clothes from the children’s section shouldn’t be the solution. Sometimes, I want to wear grown-up clothes, just in small sizes.

What has really gotten me riled up is former heavyweight boxing champion, George Foreman. Having now grown out of his obsession with grilling food, he’s moved on to the clothing business. He’s promoting Casual Male Big & Tall’s Signature Collection. This is a range of clothes with expandable waistbands and collars, courtesy of a telescopic tab that bridges the gap when you can’t button up that collar or your trousers. There are also shirts and jackets with insert panels for that little extra room.

This is another example of big people throwing their weight about to get what they want. It’s easy to see their problems because they are so visible. Well, little guy issues are big issues too. I shouldn’t have to have every pair of jeans and trousers altered because 28-Short or 30-Short isn’t all that short. When I put on a shirt, it shouldn’t come down to my knees and I shouldn’t have to follow a careful rolling and folding procedure to prevent myself from sitting on my shirttails and garroting myself. It would be nice to wear a hat that doesn’t double for a bucket.

The US prides itself on being an equal opportunity nation. It’s a land of minorities made up from people recognized by their color, sex, creed and disability. One minority that is never mentioned is men of reduced size. Well, little men have the right to be heard too.

I want to form a pressure group that will force state and federal governments to recognize the plight of the little men. This is my list of demands:

1. Trousers to be manufactured with an inseam of less than 30″.

2. Stores to stop stocking the small sizes on the highest shelves because it’s funny to watch little people jump up or ask a tall person for help.

3. The halting of all snide remarks from shoe store clerks who say, “You know what they say about men with small feet?”

4. The installation of adult high chairs in restaurants and the elimination of barstools by 2013.

5. Randy Newman to serve a life sentence for his song, SHORT PEOPLE. (You might not want any short people around you, Mr. Newman, but don’t worry, we ain’t too keen on you, either!).

Remember you heard it here first. The little people are rising up. Just mind your ankles.

UPDATE: It looks as if my prayers have been answered. Peter Manning has Peter Manning Five-Eight that makes clothes for men under 5′-8″. About time.  :=)

7 Responses to “Hump Day: Short And Sweet”

  1. Roy L. Carroll

    6’4″, 335 lbs. Sorry Simon, I’ll try not to step on you if I ever get a chance to meet you. Btw, coming to the East Coast anytime soon?

  2. Jody

    Then there’s my husband who needs tall & small for shirts. The only shirts that ever really fit him were custom made by my now deceased mother. I get aggravated because so many stores now only carry small, medium, and large instead of sizes. He’s now wearing mediums which sometimes have long enough sleeves, but are too big for his shoulders.


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