Simon Wood

HUMP DAY: It’s A Small Matter

As the western philosopher, Dirty Harry, in his treatise, Magnum Force, once said, “A man has to know his limitations.”  And from time to time, I’m reminded of my limitations, especially when it comes to my height.  I’m a sturdy 5’–4½”, which is a totally admirable height for a man.  Personally, anyone over 5’-8” is just showing off.  Now, I know at my height I am small and I accept that and I am happy with the situation.  But I don’t think of myself as super small.  I just know I’m not one of these 5’-2” tall, micro-men.  They’re just weird.  Am I right or am I right?  Who’s with me?  High five!  Up top?  Can’t reach.  Never mind.
As Julie likes to remind me, “You are small.  I don’t know why you’re under the impression you’re normal.”  Thanks hon.
I suppose the problem I have is one of perspective.  I don’t see how small I really am.  I see my jeans on the bed and I’ll think those are child’s clothes; they’ll never fit me.  And lo and behold, I’ll put them on and the bottom two inches will drag on the floor.  When will Levi’s make jeans with a 28” inseam?? 
Last week, my little big man skewed perspective got tossed in my face yet again.  My brand new road race bike arrived and I went down to the shop all excited to pick up my two-wheeled road rocket.  When the guy wheeled it out, I kind of had a pang of despair.  It looked teeny, although dimensionally, it was my size.  I said to the guy, “Is that the right size?” 
He gave me a fatherly pat on the shoulder and said, “Don’t sweat it.  We can lower the seat.”
I went to say that wasn’t what I meant, but I knew what was coming.  They popped the bike on a training rig and when I jumped on, the seat had to come down a couple of inches.  To add insult to injury, he said, “We’ll have to swap out those handlebars.  They look a little wide for your shoulders.”
Ouch.  Prick me, do I not bleed…on the condition the needle is small enough to puncture my micro body.
So lesson learnt.  I am small and I’ll adjust my perception to what are small things around me.  If it looks too small for me, then it’s probably the right size.  I am aware of my limitations, Harry.  Thanks for the help.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get all my jeans altered.




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