Simon Wood

Shelf Life: Fame

A little while ago someone asked me how was I liking being a celebrity. It was said in all honesty and without a hint of sarcasm. Very odd for someone I know.

Anyway, as nice as it might be to be a celeb, I’m not, not by any stretch of the imagination—as Robin Leach can attest to. I’m not being modest. It’s just the way it is—although I kinda feel I would make a pretty good celebrity given the chance. Because, I know which fork is what in a restaurant, so I’m halfway there in principle.

I think certain things make you famous and I don’t make the cut in that respect. Here’s how I don’t make the cut:

1. Readers don’t camp outside a bookstore the night before a new release.
2. I don’t have a stalker (well, not anymore).
3. Readers don’t name their children after me (Simon for a boy and Simina for a girl, if you’re considering it. Just sayin’).
4. I don’t have a bodyguard and a personal assistant.
5. I don’t have Spielberg on speed dial.
6. When I travel, it ain’t in first class.
7. No one has named a mountain or valley on Mars after me.
8. I don’t have any endorsement deals.

But for me to consider myself famous, the above has to be reversed, but also the following has to happen:

1. I have a million Twitter followers.
2. TMZ follows me around all the time.
3. A porn movie will parody one of my books (such as: Sex Accidents Waiting to Happen, Working Stiffies, etc.)
4. I’ll make it to Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People and/or Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World or Rear of the Year.
5. I have people to write my books for me.
6. I have my own fragrance line (for men and women).
7. The only carpet I walk on is red.
8. Julie becomes a regular on a “Housewives of…” show.

These things seem like a good criteria for fame, don’t you think? 🙂

5 Responses to “Shelf Life: Fame”

  1. Beth Anderson

    I’m going to keep your list handy, just in case I become famous myself someday. I guess that means I have to actually make a Twitter account. I’m halfway there, I have Twitter on my iPhone, just haven’t set up the account yet. More stuff to read to get ready for fame. The Twitter directions. I’m wondering if it’s all worth it. And looking for my Twitter directions at the same time.


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