Simon Wood

HUMP DAY: Cell Phones

I hate cell phones. A technological marvel has become the 21st century equivalent of the cigarette. If you don’t believe me, watch people light them up at the end of a plane flight.
My problem with cell phones is that no place or event is sacred or private. The phone can go anywhere and people forget the world can hear them. To show the limitlessness of place and respect for others, here are a couple of sample conversations:
“Hey, Terry, what’s going on? Me, I’m in the airport, taking a leak. You too? Snap, brother.”
“No, you haven’t caught me at a bad time. I’m at grandma’s funeral. No, I didn’t like her, but I’m hoping to get a slice of the inheritance pie, you know what I mean. Anyway, I gotta go, buddy. I’m in the middle of the eulogy.”
Cell phones have become status symbols. Who can forget when you could by a shoulder holster for your cell phone? You looked as if you were packing heat and not just a lack of personality. Thank God those days are gone, but we’ve moved on to the more tedious. Now we have Bluetooth headsets. People can go around looking like a castoff from Star Trek. Now when I see someone talking to themselves, I don’t know if they’re a street crazy or not. I have to put effort into finding out.
Okay, I sort of see how having a plastic thing clipped to your ear can look cool, but you need to have the right ears for it. I see too many people with weak ear cartilage wearing them. Every time they move, their ears waggle and bend from the weight of the earpiece. A far from cool look.
Personally, I want cell phone users to be treated like smokers. If they are considered polluters then excessive cell phone users should be too. So I would like to see restaurants and public places having “cell phone user and non-cell phone user sections.” That way those that love ’em can be together and away from me.
By the by, do I have a cell phone? Yes. Isn’t hypocrisy great?

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