I despise Big Bird. I don’t care that he’s an employee of the Children’s Television Workshop. The second I see that long-limbed, yellow freak, I develop a sudden bout of Tourette’s syndrome and I want to go Bobby De Niro on that poulet’s ass and gut him like a Thanksgiving turkey.
I don’t know where this hatred came from but it’s always been there. Yes, Big Bird has plenty of personality but it’s bad personality. He’s got no social skills. He barges into conversations about the letter C or the number 7 like he’s an authority on the matter and takes over. It doesn’t take a genius to know he doesn’t know anything about the subject. And no one ever slaps down the overgrown canary–and yes, it is a canary. Someone should be honest with Big Bird and say, “B-Bird, you’re an annoying moron. Get lost.” If no one wants to volunteer, I’ll do it.
I’m not the only person who feels this way. I came across a great cartoon where Burt, Ernie, Oscar and the other Sesame Street regulars are sitting around the dinner table with Big Bird’s cooked carcass on the table. The caption above is: Happy Thanksgiving. Now that would be something to give thanks for.